The World Cup.....of films, the 2nd round

Continuing the World Cup of films, it's the knock out stages....

2nd Round

France vs Argentina

Impish forward Audrey Tatou, putting the nightmare of The Da Vinci Code behind her, has the crowd captivated alongside former footballer Eric Cantona, this is a line up better than the real French squad as they include Gerard Depardieu, Jean Reno and Bridgette Bardot. Managed by Francois Traffaut. Argentina only really have Gabriel Goity (no, me neither) as a household name and France romp home to an easy 5-0 win

Man of the match, Gerard Depardieu, scoring one goal off his big nose that was used in Bergerac

USA vs Australia

The gurning Oz croc wrestler was no match for a vengeful Sicilian mafia boss who dealt with those who crossed him (or crossed poorly) with Seabiscuit's head in their bed. Alongside an Aussie strike team that also consisted of Babe and Moulin Rouge, it was always going to be a one-sided contest as the likes of Darth Vader, Marty McFly, Rhett Butler, Batman and Luke (with his Cool Hand in goal). The Americans showboat their way through, winning 7-0, Indiana Jones getting 4 of them.

Man Of The Match, manager Don Corleone, Italian at birth but the Americans welcome him as he advises how the enemy will move around his players

Japan vs Italy

The Japanese masters against the skillful Italians. First Italy, managed by the great Sergio Leone (The Good, The Bad And The Ugly), with the likes of Vincent D'Onforio (Full Metal Jacket) and Roberto Benigni.

Japan have the big guns, manager Akira Kurosawa (The Seven Samurai) picks an all star team of his Seven Samurai, Zatoichi, the girl from The Ring, Atsuko from Ghost In The Shell and Godzilla.
As hard as the Italians work, Godzilla not getting sent off for eating Ennio Morricone in the first few minutes causes a huge outcry as Japan go on to win 3-0

Man Of The Match, Godzilla (had to say that or I'd be eaten next)

Brazil vs Switzerland

The Swiss, managed by Yul Brynner, have high hopes coming into the game against Brazil who are managed by Fernando Meirelles who uses the kids from his hit City Of God to face a Swiss team consisting of Bruno Ganz and Ursula Andress, it's red a card for Andress who uses her bikini from Dr. No. to take the concentration away from the Brazil boys who have hit puberty and Ganz scores a comfortable hat-trick against the underperforming Brazilians

Man Of The Match, number Nein, Bruno Ganz

South Korea vs Mexico

Mexican film maker Alfonso Cuaron manages a side with the likes of Guillermo del Toro in goal with Anthony Quinn (Lawrence Of Arabia, The Guns Of Navarone) in defence, Salma Hayek (Wild Wild West, Dogma, Desperado) in midfield and the twin strikers of Gael Garcia Bernal (Babel, The Motorcycle Diaries, plays Ronaldo in the new Nike ad) and Diego Luna (The Terminal, Y Tu Mama Tambien, Milk).

The Koreans are managed by Jang Dong-gun (Nowhere To Hide).The Mexicans are just far too strong for the Koreans, easy coming to a 4-0 win

Man Of The Match, Alfonso Cuaron (for getting expelled from film school)

Germany vs England

Two nations with plenty of history, not all on the football field. Both countries with long traditions in film, almost too similar to call. Managed by former midfield general Fritz Lang, Germany have an tough hardworking side against and England side managed by Sir Alfred Hitchcock with Michael Caine in attack, his skills from Escape To Victory prove invaluable as England take an early lead, yet Germany fight back, the robot from Metroplis dispatching a penalty conceded by Danny 'facking' Dyer (Football Factory) on Germany's Thomas Kretschmann (The Piano, King Kong, Downfall, Wanted, Valkyrie). With both teams equal, just before half time, German midfielder Klaus Kinski (Nosferatu The Vampyre, Aguirre:The Wrath Of God). Leading 2-1 at half time, the Germans have left England it all to do.
With Richard Attenborough giving a Bobby Moore like defensive display, the Germans can't find a break through for a 3rd and Laurence Olivier dispossess Frank Potente (Blow, The Bourne Identity) and a through ball to James Bond (Roger Moore/Daniel Craig) takes the ball round the 'keeper to level the scores.

The game is level at 2-2, similar to the World Cup final in '66 but before the referee blows for extra time, with one last corner for England, David Niven swings it in and James Bond (Roger Moore/Daniel Craig) rises above the German defence to head the ball against the bar, the ball hits the line and bounces clear but the Russian linesman (Anton Yelchin (Star Trek, Terminator Salvation)) raises his flag to give the goal and England sneak it!!!! 3-2

Man Of The Match, James Bond (Roger Moore/Daniel Craig) (licensed to skill)

New Zealand vs Netherlands

The lush New Zealand countryside against the uncompromising Dutch. The Dutch lead with varied documentaries and on the big stage are a one man team led by Paul Vorhoeven who leads a team of RoboCop, bug from Starship Troopers and the three titted lady from total Recall but they simply don't have the quality (or pace if you bring this back to realism). New Zealand, despite showing a naked Harvey Keitel in The Piano which doesn't help, have so many recent big guns and are the form team, Aslan, Gollum and King Kong battle on as a strong team struggle to break the Dutch down, winning on penalties to go through to leave New Zealand manager Sam Neil a happy man.

Man Of The Match, the WETA production team


Spain vs Portugal

At 101, Portuguese director Manoel de Oliveira is not the youngest pair of legs to have on the pitch but his 1993 drama Abraham's Valley scores a screamer early on from outside the box. Spain fight back with the big guns coming forward, Volver equalising before half time and the cinematic finesse of Pedro Almodovar takes the game into Spain's favour, and Spanish favourite Penolpe Cruz eases the Spanish into the next round, final score 3-1.

Man of the match, Pedro Almodavar